um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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