If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
Randomize
