I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Randomize
