Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
