My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
Randomize
