MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
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