im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
bring money and cleavage
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
