yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Randomize
