Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
