life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I wouldn't necessarily call it an addiction, more of a passion. I'm habitually passionate.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Randomize
