Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
Everclear isn't food dammit
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
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