Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
