Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Randomize
