Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
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