Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
I need to align my fucking chakras
Randomize
