oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
