someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
Randomize
