Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Randomize
