i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Randomize
