end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
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