I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
