the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
