Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
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