I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
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