I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
The only good thing about ohio is that i can get 2 half gallons of soco for 40 bucks
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
