Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
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