I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
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