before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
bring money and cleavage
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
