drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Randomize
