someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
