There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
One more sleep until playoffs, Canucks are back this year, you bet your ass I'm going to uphold the tradition of being the 90 lb girl that fights every hairy ass Bruins fan at BWW.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
Randomize
