i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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