I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
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