Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
Randomize
