i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
