Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
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