My room smells like vodka and shame
I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
