just tell him i said nine months
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Randomize
