I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
