You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
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