I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
