i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
