the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Randomize
