watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
