I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
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