Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
