I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
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