A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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