this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
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