I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
